Proverbs 31 Woman?

As I begin the journey to becoming a wife (which is a role that I have never tried to prepare for) I am faced with so many "expectations"...all self-imposed. I remembered that Proverbs 31 described what a virtuous woman is... so I figured I would start there. Here are verses 10-31...the part in blue is me...as if you couldnt' tell.

10 A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

So far so good...I'm certainly worth more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

Still good...I'm sure Anthony has full confidence in me...at least I hope he does.

12 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

I certainly want only good for him....this is going to be a piece of cake

13 She selects wool and flax

and works with eager hands.

Now we are starting to get a little hairy here..."works with eager hands"...I'll work,but that doesn't mean I'll be eager about it!

14 She is like the merchant ships,

bringing her food from afar.

Afar???...does Winn Dixie count?

15 She gets up while it is still dark;

she provides food for her family

and portions for her servant girls.

Okay now this is just too much...I am just not a morning person..."still dark"...I'm not so sure about this virtuous woman thing...

16 She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

So now I have to earn the money, make the business deal and plant the vineyard...this is totally out of hand...

17 She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

Not only do I have to do the work...I have to do it fast and with strength?

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

My lamp does not go out at night?....certainly I don't have to work 24 hours a day to be considered a virtuous woman.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

So far I have had to make the money, buy the land, plant the food, harvest it and now you want me to make clothes too?

20 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

Finally something I can actually do!

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

God does provide...so I guess I can handle this one too.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

I have made the clothes and now I have to make the linens...not just any linen...fine linen...not just in any color...purple...the color of royalty...I starting to wonder what the rest of the family is supposed to do

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

What is he sitting down for? He shouldn't be tired....I've done all the work!

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

Now I have to hussle the linens I've made....I'm sure this is in addition to another job that I certainly have..
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

I better be wearing some Prada and Gucci in addition to that strength and dignity...after all it appears that I'm a hard worker.

As for the laughing....that's because at this point I am delirious from exhaustion.
26 She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

If she is wise she better "instruct" her husband and kids to get up and do some work!

27 She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

That's an understatment.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

Everybody needs praise, but it seems like the virtuous woman could also use to help from her family.

29 "Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all."

No kidding!
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

AMEN!
31 Give her the reward she has earned,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Now I am not one to try to "mock" bible verses...so I hope I didn't offend anyone....it is all just in fun! However, I am just going to have keep searching for a less literal interpretation of the scriptures above...Proverbs 31 is a bit intimidating for me! Gotta go... I'm off to church..no really...I am. I have a Vacation Bible School meeting, but that's a different story for a different day!